So This Is Christmas And What On Earth Has He Done?

I feel a rant incoming. 

Are you feeling Christmassy yet? I am, I think. I’ve found the ancient lights, the decorations, and I’ve been hanging up our stockings on the wall. It’s been hard not to notice the number of houses illuminated in a way that makes the chilly evening dog walk somehow feel a little bit warmer, and even a bit magical. If this is our two-fingered salute to Covid-19, then so be it.

I’m either going soft in my old age, or I’ve never really grown out of the thought of being content with a nice family Christmas, with plenty to eat, a proper Christmas Day Top of The Pops, and sinking into the sofa to watch Del and Rodney. 

Sadly, millions of families in Britain won’t have much of a Christmas, thanks to our very own Boris ‘Del Boy’ Johnson, (an unlovable version) and Sir Keith ‘Rodney’ Starmer (his middle name is actually Rodney). 

You see, Del Boy Johnson had this cracking deal lined up, oven-ready, and he said ‘this time next year, we’ll have a million to one chance of ending up with no deal whatsoever’. Mange tout? 

But what about Sir Rodders? Occasionally he’ll pipe up when Del Boy Johnson needs some support, but Sir Rodders prefers to sit in silence while Del Boy Johnson goes on a wrecking spree.

The one time Sir Rodders got his chance to shift some dodgy Russian Camcorders he got into a right old ‘two and eight’. Rather than popping down the Nags Head to offer the locals a bargain, he jumped in the three-wheeler and made his way to Lord Rothermere Towers, climbed into the gutter, and told Del Boy Johnson he needed to make sure the kids went back to school, no ifs, no buts. 

Apologies to the late and very great John Sullivan. 

You were probably as mortified as I was when Starmer decided to embrace the readers of the The Mail with his demands for our children to be sent back to school. 

We now know the r-rate increased by 24% in the 28 days following the return to schools in September. A higher r-rate means a greater number of infections, and inevitably, many more loved ones losing their lives. No ifs no buts Starmer was wrong, again, and the cost is tragically immeasurable.

Truth is, Keith you’re a diabolical leader. Apparently you were a decent human rights barrister back in the day, but these days you’re an enemy of justice, a concealer of truth, an opponent of global human rights, and you’re certainly no epidemiologist. 

Your silence is the most noticeable thing about you right now. Don’t you remember how important it was that we had a ‘People’s Vote’? Or did that importance disappear the moment you ousted Jeremy Corbyn with your relentless campaign of sabotage that cost the Labour Party scores of seats across the country? 

When will you admit you got it so very wrong, Keith? 

When will you challenge Boris Johnson’s Brexit catastrophe? 

When will you speak up for the oppressed humans of occupied Palestine? 

When *is* the time to ask why more than 60,000 of our loved ones perished? 

When will you realise the British left don’t particularly rate you much higher than the racist, lying, philandering Prime Minister? You are quite literally two plump cheeks of the same establishment-reared backside.

When will you admit it was never about “making the moral case for socialism”, but making the immoral case to distance yourself as far away from socialism as humanly possible? 

We are well past the stage of anal splinters. This fence has well and truly rotted, it serves absolutely no purpose because it is beyond repair. 

I have another question for you Keith - 

So this is Christmas, and what on Earth have you done?

Now, the chances of me, a normal woman from a normal town, getting a sensible answer from the knight of the realm is about as likely as Boycie and Marlene overseeing the NHS vaccination program, or a multi-million Pound PPE contract being handed to a firm that specialise in PPE, rather than the former next door neighbour of the Secretary of State for Health and Social care, he of the pathetic fake tears, Matt Hancock. 

You get the idea. If I was a focus group, or a think tank, or a lobbyist, he’d find time in his diary for me. If I was a donor I’d even get a seat at the top table.

But I know you’re a busy man, Keith, so I’ll tell you exactly what you’ve done. 

You have declared war on the left of the Labour Party, which means you have declared war on the British left. We are many, still. You picked the wrong opponents. You were supposed to pick a fight with the Conservatives. It may feel like scrapping with a friend, but at least pretend you’re an opposition. You cannot and will not grab hold of the left by the throat and drag us kicking and screaming to the right. Give up on that idea, it’s not a good one, you will fail spectacularly. 

You have sat by and watched Boris Johnson pat himself on the back for a job well done, while Britain has tragically accumulated the highest Covid-19 death toll in Europe. As a renowned barrister, you should fully understand the meaning of complicity. Do you remember that episode of Gogglebox, Keith? Wasn’t it an absolute fucking embarrassment and an utterly damning indictment of your failure of leadership? 

You, and your General Secretary, David Evans, are in a whole world of shit, Keith. Your authoritarian control-freakery, your stitch-up, yes, STITCH UP, of Jeremy Corbyn, the suspension of left-wing Jewish party members, the hierarchy of racism, and your disregard for democracy has landed you with more than 100 CLPs calling for the reinstatement of Mr Corbyn, and passing motions of no confidence in the pair of you. I’m told this number would be much greater than 230 had you not banned CLPs from even whispering the name “Corbyn” and quite staggeringly, demanding CLPs don’t call motions of no confidence in either yourself of the Blairite relic, Evans. 

This is like Boris Johnson standing at the Downing Street lectern, calling a general election, and saying something like… “Listen up folks, it’s time for the British people to decide who they want to lead them through these challenging times, but, you’re not allowed to vote for him, or her, in fact, you’re not allowed to vote against me - game on lefty tossers”. 

Even the most mild-mannered of the FBPE/Lib-Dem-at-heart massive would throw down their Guardian, sharpen up the pitchfork, call for a million people to March upon Parliament, demanding the instant removal of Jeremy Corbyn from everything that ever existed. For he is to blame for everything, from their Brexit purity disaster to the Waitrose home delivery order pickers replacing their Asparagus tips with a bottle of Domestos. 

What else have you done Sir Keith? The Christmas Card was ghastly. It reminded me of a stage-managed photo opportunity, to try and make you look like the rest of us, clapping our NHS and keyworkers, although you know me, I’m a bit of a cynic. 

Where’s my card anyway, Keith? Your predecessor sent me two in one year, and he even wrote a kind message to me. 

The fact he knew who I was was a Christmas present in itself. 

I’m still waiting for the go ahead for my interview, Jeremy, if you’re still in the festive mood? 

To finish, because I’ve already borrowed enough of your Sunday morning, I want you, Sir Keith Rodney Starmer, to click JUST HERE and read the responses to this tweet. 

I wondered if people regretted voting for you. Some did, much like the third of the CLPs that voted for you to lead the party less than a year ago - and now find themselves calling for Jeremy Corbyn to be reinstated, and having no confidence in your leadership. These are supposed to be your CLPs, Keith. This should concern you. 

Where is the unity that you promised, Keith?

I honestly can’t wait for the normal responses to this blog. “Tory enabler”. “Boris Johnson will love you”. “Stick to grifting”. 

Bring it. I’ve heard it all, seen it all, and answered it all before. Just remember, we take no prisoners. 

Have a lovely day my friends, keep an eye-out for Jeremy Corbyn’s announcement at 2.30pm, send positive vibes for my lads big cup match today (it’s like Swindon Town playing Liverpool, and he’s is the goalie for the underdogs), keep yourselves safe and well, and as Del Boy himself would famously say… 

Bonjour x

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