(What’s The Story) Starmer’s A Tory?

BREAKING: In a rare moment of honesty, the Tory Keir Starmer has confirmed that his Labour Party are the REAL CONSERVATIVES and he wants to change the Labour Party’s DNA like Tony Blair on steroids. 

For fuck sake. If only someone had warned us.

I’m not entirely sure why anyone thinks they need to choose between a rehash of an ideology from the 1980’s or a rehash of an ideology from the 1990’s, what with it being 2023, but some people really are that fucking stupid. 

I have spent the last week or so listening to the right-wing media looking for the positives in the Tories catastrophic hammering at last Thursday’s anti-Tory local elections, and even their normal mouthpieces were struggling to put together anything that even sounded remotely believable. 

On the other hand it wasn’t difficult to find some sublime examples of client journalism on behalf of the main beneficiary of the anti-Tory vote, the increasingly-unlikable Labour leader, the Tory Keir Starmer. 

Spineless Tory grease bucket Starmer wasn’t ever particularly affable prior to his abandonment of even the slightest resemblance of a moral backbone, let’s be honest, but the Starmer we see before us today is possibly one of the most detestable and untrustworthy Labour politicians in recent history.

If the Tory Starmer was in any way a threat to the status quo he wouldn’t have John Rentoul ready to carry him shoulders aloft through the doors of Number 10, he wouldn’t write for some of the most vile gutter rags on the face of planet earth, and he certainly wouldn’t be going head-to-head with Rishi Sunak in an attempt to become the next heir-to-Blair. 

But the Tory Starmer simply cannot be a threat to the rich and powerful when he is already a long-serving accomplice. You don’t usually stumble upon a knighthood and land on your fucking knees in front of a monarch. 

I couldn’t care less if the Tory Starmer’s father was a butcher, a baker, or a fucking toolmaker. He is a knight of the realm, a monarchy fart sucker and yet another useless stand-for-nothing protector of vested interests, regardless of what his dad used to do. 

It is infuriatingly pointless judging the Tory Starmer on what he used to stand for 3 years ago - “the moral case for socialism” - or 20 years ago, such as the abolition of the monarchy, because you can be sure as night follows day that he’ll have a new principle to replace the abandoned one soon enough.

But you can judge Starmer the Tory on what is happening now. 

Just a few months ago we had Labour strategists believing they were heading for a landslide victory at the next general election. The polls suggested a handsome 100+ seat majority for Labour. 

But then we came to the only poll that matters, and if a general election reproduced the same results from last week’s local elections Labour would still be set to be 28 seats short of a majority.

In fact, the 36% achieved by the Tory Keir Starmer - celebrated as if it was Labour’s greatest ever election performance- would still be some way short of Jeremy Corbyn’s remarkable 40% back in 2017. 

How can the Tory Starmer go from a 100+ seat majority to falling 28 seats short of a majority in the space of just a few months without being extraordinarily shit? Shouldn’t we be talking about this? 

I’m bored of getting the 20 points ahead memes out now. Labour would be at least 20 points ahead of the Tories under the leadership of anyone but Keir Starmer the fucking Tory blah blah blah. 

I’m bored of telling the cultish Starmerrhoids that making their chosen one Prime Minister isn’t getting the Tories out but merely changing the name of the party in power, because the ideology really isn’t that different. 

And I’m bored of hearing about the Tory Starmer’s “honesty and integrity” when he has broken more pledges than any other Labour leader that I can remember. 

We also discovered this week that the Tory Keir Starmer has no plans to repeal the Tories illegal migration bill. This hateful piece of legislation allows for anyone arriving in the UK by small boat to be detained and packed off to a third country such as Rwanda. 

Do you see what I mean by very little difference between the Tories and Labour? Wake up folks.

When David Cameron said “we’re all in it together”, he wasn’t lying, he was simply referring to the political class that will see you out on the street before suggesting a £250 million coronation might just be a little bit extravagant, considering more than 4 million British children live in poverty. 

One of the Tories many problems right now is their leader is more popular than their party. The Tory brand has been deliciously shattered by Johnson and blink-and-you’ll-miss-her Truss. 

But the Labour Party is consistently more popular than the Tory Starmer because people cannot relate to the half-wooden, half-plastic Labour leader. 

I think it is safe to say that Labour would have finished more than just 7% clear of the Tories last Thursday had Keir ‘the Tory’ Starmer not been in charge of the Labour Party. 

There is something about Tory boy Starmer that a lot of people clearly do not like. It doesn’t help that he seems about as approachable as a coked up Met Police officer, and his oratory skills are up there with the recorded voice telling you the next train on platform 2 is running 55 minutes late. 

But it goes so much further than this, even beyond the plain and simple fact that Keir Starmer is a rancid Tory.

Much of the electorate haven’t really got a clue what the Tory Keir Starmer stands for. I’m not particularly sure Keir Starmer the Tory knows what Keir Starmer the Tory stands for, but I am in no doubt he knows *who* he stands for. 

The only ‘nationalisation’ pledge left from the promise of returning energy, rail, mail, and water into public ownership is rail, and even the Torieshave stealthily nationalised almost half of Britain’s railway network already. 

Self-confessed Tory Starmer’s lead in the opinion polls has fallen by 20%, but just as worryingly for the Labour Party is the fact they were only 7% ahead after the recent local elections. 

Does Keir Starmer the Tory want to be remembered as the politician that managed to blow Labour’s biggest ever opinion poll lead in the history of polling? He’s going the right way about it. 

Quite literally. 

The Tory Keir Starmer is robbing Britain of an opposition that is true to its values. 

After 13 years of Conservative rule - particularly the last 3 years of quite unbelievable scandals - it is hard to fathom how the Tory Keir Starmer isn’t in a position to be measuring up the curtains in Downing Street. 

“Make no mistake, we are on course for a Labour majority at the next general election”, said the Tory Keir Starmer, the day after the local elections. 

I watched him, I certainly didn’t believe the Tory Keir Starmer, and I don’t really think he believed it himself. 

Until next time, 

Rachael 

PS: Keir Starmer is a Tory.

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