Guest Blog: Solidarity Always Dear Comrades ✊🏼
You supposed followers make me vomit.
Rachael Swindon is not me and nor am I her. The worst way ever to disprove the allegation would be for us to collaborate. If my blog were to sneak itself onto hers as a cameo, a guest or a squatter then the fuse would be lit! It must be Swindon! The good people of Twitter would no doubt be suspicious. Rightly so! If it turned out that Rachael Swindon was indeed the purveyor of fine Socialist Farts then it would be a monumental occasion.
Trumpets would parp. Harps be plucked. The choir would rejoice.
The Crier would certainly cry out throughout every town and hamlet,
“hear ye, hear ye, you know that Rachael Swindon person? The one on Twitter. Oh come on now you do! She has over 80 thousand followers. Well she is ALSO the proud owner of another Twitter account called Socialist Fart. It has over 80 followers.”
Alas, no. Rachael Swindon is not Fart. A Socialist yes, but The Socialist Fart she is not. Enjoy the mystery. Learn to cherish it and hold it dear like the anticipation of an unopened gift.
Anyway, enough of the background for you. Time to flit back into the writing style that best befits my idiom and delve straight into the pertinent issues of the hour:
Scammers
The sheer amount of money that ginger cold hearted evil bully has stolen makes me feel physically sick. I could have gotten Nike iD’s with that!
I have been victim of vicious, malicious and disgusting targeting harassment online. My miserable Christmas will be like it has been for the past decade playing Candy Crush on my £800 iPhone and dreaming of sailing around the canals of Birmingham on my own Socialist narrowboat.
All I have ever wanted for Christmas is to be able to defraud people without detection, but cruel and heartless trolls keep telling people about my salacious scams! I have never conned anyone out of a single penny (if you ignore the time I literally held a man at gunpoint and asked if he would lend me his car) in my whole wretched life.
Yes, I was donated £800 by my stingy cold hearted followers so that I could buy a 10ft boat to escape the evil neighbours of mine who look at me when I walk past them. They look at me! Bullies. I am so scared of them that I film them covertly and post it onto Twitter. Terrified they may see the footage and look at me some more! Yes it is fraudulent to ask for charity donations for a home and then spend it on an iPhone, but this was a one-off!
I am heartbroken that I have to choose between eating and heating this Christmas when all I want to do is open my presents like a big boy. Makes me furious that people have suggested that it is not possible to claim poverty when spending £800 cash on an iPhone and claim it essential. It is essential!
How else can I send selfies to Jeremy Corbyn?
I have only ever wanted a lot of followers to have my voice heard. My sock accounts have only ever been to help me get extra money to pay for extra credit on Candy Crush. Why should I have to wait until the ban is up when my so-called followers could donate money to me to buy extra lives?
I see no irony in moaning about the hardship and poverty I’ve suffered - via an £800 iPhone.
My Super Socialist of the Year Debacle
Recently I decided it was time to have my outstanding efforts for Socialism officially recognised. This is why I have created the Fart of Britain Award.
I entered Rachael Swindon into the ‘public vote’ along with Wrenasaurus, Craig Hurle and myself (obviously). As the Narcissist that I am I chose who should be included in the vote. Interestingly some of the people I chose I have publicly denounced on several occasions due to them being insanely jealous of me. So jealous they will not follow me on the gross platform of Twitter and so envious of me that they will not praise me like a Demi God for my triumphant, valiant efforts for Socialism (and getting the latest iPhone).
Out of the 4 votes I came 3rd. Craig Hurle came last and rightly so because he is an alleged scammer. I have used my vast power to disqualify Craig from the contest (despite him having come last anyway).
So there it is then. I came 3rd and Stinking cold hearted manipulative bully Swindon came first. Obviously, it goes without saying that this is only the first round of voting! I probably should have mentioned this when I sent the vote out to the ‘public.’ I failed to mention this part though and we will have as many rounds as it takes for me to win.
I am the Great Socialist Dictator! The Socialist Tyrant and man-child.
Like before, I should have also told donators that I would spend whatever money was sent to me on an essential iPhone rather than saving for the socialist boat. I forgot to do that as well!
My scheme, sorry I mean plan, is for the GREATEST SOCIALIST to receive my award. It is win win for me. If I win, which my socks will tap away at to ensure I do then I am the GREATEST SOCIALIST. If I do not win then I begrudgingly award the award to another, but the award is created by me. Thus, it insinuates that I am a Great Socialist of a stature pompous enough to have an award in my name to hand out! I am a GENIUS!
Why is ‘public vote’ caged inside such punctuation as if to imply it is the opposite of a public vote? Mainly due to me having received a whopping 43 votes and 27 of the votes were from my own wretched Sock Accounts! Time for some sexy Socialist maths:
-Out of the 432 votes cast I am furious that I clawed only 10% of the ballot!
-Swindon the wretched faux Socialist Swine somehow rigged the vote and got 59% of the vote. This is a sickening landslide in a 4 party vote! Makes me sick.
Craig Hurle, the crafty little crab, got 2.8% of the vote and this is only 7.2% less than me!
-Wrenasaurus is a dark, manipulative horse that garnered 28.2% of the vote.
In a hypothetic situation, with Hurle now banished from my Award Scheme it means that there is a massive 2.8% of the vote up for grabs. When I charm these voters I will push my percentage up to 12.8%! This is only 15.4% behind the tricky Wrenasaurus! So a mere 67 people out of the tally of 432 voters. Easy.
If I drink Monster through the night I could easily set up enough accounts to push my 43 votes up by 213 votes. This would make me 1 vote a better Socialist than Swindon as she got 255 votes.
DISCLAIMER
Please be aware that this vote is just a bit of fun. In ‘our’ eyes no Socialist can be Superior to another (despite me creating a vote to the contrary). ‘Our’ is caged again because there is no ‘our’ and only me.
It is just fun and we will have this fun, round after round, until I am the winner!
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